How to Stop Parenting & Start Leading

For leaders who care deeply—but feel like they’re doing more than their share of the heavy lifting.

You know that feeling when you look around and wonder why everything still seems to land on your plate?

You’re across every detail. You’re checking in on projects, nudging deadlines along, stepping in to fix things before they go sideways. You’re the one who remembers the unspoken dynamics in the room—the interpersonal tension, the subtle disengagement, the signs that someone’s heading for burnout.

You care. Of course you do. That’s part of what makes you good at what you do - but some days, the load feels lopsided.

It’s not that your team is incapable. They’re smart. Talented. Well-intentioned. But something’s off. You’re giving more energy than you’re getting back. You’re holding things together in ways that don’t always feel sustainable. No matter how much effort you pour in, the growth and ownership you’re hoping for in others doesn’t quite materialise.

You start to question yourself.

Maybe you need to be more direct. Or more encouraging. Maybe more structure. Or more flexibility. You try to adjust your style, hoping something will click, but the invisible weight persists and you end up feeling over-responsible, under-supported, and quietly resentful.

If any of that sounds familiar, you’re not alone.

Many leaders—especially those who lead with empathy—drift into a role that feels less like leadership and more like low-grade parenting. Not in the authoritarian sense, but in the emotional management, quiet overfunctioning, “I’ll just do it myself” kind of way.

And it’s a trap. One that slowly erodes trust, ownership, and team maturity—while exhausting the leader in the process.

I learned this the hard way.

Years ago, I was leading a dynamic but stretched team within a university environment. We were under constant pressure to deliver more with less. One of my team members—a brilliant thinker but prone to missing the details—was struggling to keep up.

At first, I was patient and checked in regularly with offers of support. I took her out for lunch to discuss how I could help. Over time, though, I started noticing a shift in our dynamic. She became hesitant, tentative, even resentful.

It wasn’t until I stepped back and asked myself honestly—What am I modelling here?—that I realised I’d fallen into the trap. I wasn’t leading anymore. I was parenting. Hovering. Rescuing. Fixing. Hoping she would rise to the occasion, while I unconsciously suffocated and disempowered her. She ended up feeling threatened instead of supported and the relationship broke down.

Why We Slip Into Parenting Mode

It’s easy to do. Especially when:

• You’ve been burned before by mistakes you now try to pre-empt.

• You care deeply about people’s wellbeing and don’t want to see them fail.

• You’re neurodivergent yourself, and over-functioning feels familiar.

• You’ve always been “the responsible one”—in your family, your friendships, your career.

Parenting energy sneaks in under the guise of support. You want your team to succeed, so you offer reminders, correct their course, and cushion their experience - but instead of growing their capacity, you quietly start absorbing the responsibility for their performance.

Over time, you become the safety net and the scaffolding.

And they stop stretching, stop risking, stop owning.

This dynamic is especially common—and especially unhelpful—when working with neurodivergent team members because what may feel like helpful guidance can easily land as micromanagement, condescension, or even shame.

Mel’s Story

I had the privilege of coaching a leader—let’s call her Mel—who came to me frustrated and burnt out. She led a team of creatives and strategists, many of whom worked remotely. She cared about building a positive, high-performing culture. She had good intentions, but she was tired of checking in on everyone and having to “remind them again.” Despite all her efforts, the team didn’t seem to be growing and she was tired of hearing defensiveness when she offered feedback.

When we unpacked it together, it became clear that Mel had slid into a pattern of unconscious parenting. She wasn’t leading with clarity and shared responsibility. She was working overtime to protect her team from discomfort. She was giving direction, not coaching, and managing emotional energy, not boundaries.

It was wearing her down—and it wasn’t working.

Once Mel recognised the pattern, everything shifted. She started inviting more open conversations about ownership. Instead of rescuing, she coached. Instead of directing, she facilitated. Rather than keeping the emotional weight of the team on her shoulders, she began returning it to where it belonged: shared among adults.

The result? Her team stepped up. Not overnight, but over time, they became more self-led, more engaged, and more willing to take responsibility for both outcomes and learning.

The Signs You’re Parenting at Work

You might be parenting at work if:

• You regularly feel like the only one who sees what’s coming.

• You find yourself rewriting or redoing people’s work “just to get it over the line.”

• You soften feedback so much it loses its meaning.

• You step in to soothe discomfort, even when it’s not yours to hold.

• You keep adjusting your leadership style to make up for others’ lack of growth.

Many of us learn these behaviours because we were raised or mentored in environments where performance mattered more than empowerment. Where leading meant controlling. Where failure wasn’t allowed, so people didn’t learn how to rise.

However, if we want mature, capable teams, we have to stop shielding them from the very experiences that will help them grow.

The Shift: From Protector to Partner

So what does it look like to step out of parenting mode and into healthy, adult-to-adult leadership?

It looks like this:

• Naming shared responsibility

  Leadership isn’t about carrying people. It’s about creating clarity and then walking alongside them. That includes naming the expectations, the boundaries, and the consequences—without needing to apologise for them.

• Letting consequences do the teaching

  One of the most powerful gifts we can give someone is the dignity of consequence. When people don’t follow through, letting them experience the ripple effects—rather than stepping in to fix—can build far more learning than any performance review.

• Co-designing support

  Especially with neurodivergent team members, “support” must be a two-way conversation. Don’t assume. Ask. What helps you focus? What derails you? How can we adjust the environment—not just the behaviour?

• Replacing overfunctioning with curiosity

  Instead of asking, Why can’t they just…?, try: What might be getting in the way? Often, what looks like laziness or carelessness is actually a breakdown in process, clarity, or executive function.

• Stepping back so others can step forward

  Your job isn’t to be the smartest or most capable person in the room. Your job is to make space for others to bring their best—even if it’s messy, slower, or different from how you’d do it.

Especially in Neuro-Inclusive Leadership

If you’re leading a neurodiverse team—and statistically, you are—it’s even more important to move out of parenting mode. Why? Because neurodivergent adults have often spent a lifetime being corrected, managed, and misunderstood. They’re used to having others assume they “need help,” rather than being asked what kind of support works best for them.

Parenting energy reinforces that unhealthy narrative. Instead, true neuro-inclusive leadership invites partnership. It means believing your team members are capable, even when their needs or strategies differ from your own.

It means giving up control in order to create capacity - and it means making space for people to lead themselves—on their own terms.

Want help making the shift?

If you’re tired of feeling like the emotional anchor, the fixer, the one who quietly holds it all together—you’re not alone.

You’re not failing. You’re evolving.

And this might just be the moment to step out of over-functioning… and into the kind of leadership that empowers everyone—including you.

I offer a 60-minute Inclusive Leadership Health Check—a practical, confidential session where we explore your current leadership dynamics and identify the small adjustments that could make everything feel lighter, clearer, and more effective.

No judgement. No jargon. Just insight, strategy, and space to breathe again.

Book your session here.

...because leading shouldn’t mean carrying it all.

Kathryn Martens