Narcissism vs Autism: Why Every Leader Needs to Know the Difference

In leadership, emotional intelligence matters, but sometimes we can confuse behaviours that seem similar on the surface but have very different motivators underneath. I'm talking about narcissism and autism. What appears self-focused or controlling can be misread. The impact of mistaking one for the other can be damaging, especially in leadership or when leading others who are neurodivergent. I've seen it up close—in workplaces, in teams, and in my personal life.

Female worker looking away while someone is talking to her

Years ago, I was navigating a tense business relationship. Every suggestion I made was dismissed. When I tried to raise concerns, I was met with long monologues about how I had failed to consider their experience, which ironically was exactly what they were doing to me. Not once did I feel heard. At the time, I wondered—are they just socially and emotionally unaware? Or is there something deeper going on? It took years—and many more encounters like that—to understand the difference between someone who struggles with social reciprocity due to autism, and someone who intentionally centres everything around themselves because of narcissistic traits.

Here’s the key distinction: Someone on the autism spectrum may appear socially unaware, interrupt, or get lost in their own thoughts because they process differently. Yet when given clarity and support, they adapt. They may miss cues or struggle with small talk, but they’re rarely manipulative. Their behaviour might be rigid or literal, and their anxiety may show itself by attempts to control their environment, but the behaviour is not power-seeking.

Narcissistic behaviour, on the other hand, often includes gaslighting, emotional invalidation, and a lack of empathy designed to dominate. In business, the consequences of confusing the two are serious. People who always have to be right, and who rewrite history to suit their version of events, and subtly discredit others behind closed doors. That’s not autism. That’s narcissism.

Woman presenting to her team

Here's a couple more examples to help illustrate the difference.

Take, for example, a former colleague I worked alongside in a management role. Every suggestion I offered was brushed off, redirected, or dismissed. There was no curiosity. No exploration. No sign that my input was even welcome. At first, I assumed this was a personality clash. Over time, I began to see a pattern of emotional control, power games, and reactivity to any perceived challenge. It wasn’t just a different communication style. It was a refusal to see any other perspective than their own.

Compare that to another former team member. This person was rigid in their routines, and needed clear processes to feel safe. They would interrupt or monologue without realising it. If I gently pointed it out or suggested a new way to engage, they were open to learning though. There was awkwardness, but no malice. Remember: narcissism seeks dominance and control, often at the expense of others. Autism seeks clarity and predictability, sometimes without noticing others.

As leaders, misreading the difference can be costly. You might over-accommodate someone whose behaviour is actually manipulative, or fail to support a team member who simply needs clearer structure or different communication.

So what can you do? Start by getting curious. Ask yourself:

• Is this person able to reflect and change when given feedback?

• Are they interested in the needs of others, even if they don’t always express it well?

• Does their behaviour come from anxiety and overwhelm, or from entitlement and ego?

These questions won’t give you a diagnosis – but they might help you respond with more clarity.

If you’re leading a neurodiverse team member, this distinction matters. It shapes who you trust, how you set boundaries, and where you focus your energy. Leadership doesn’t mean tolerating toxicity or expecting everyone to behave the same way. It means learning to see the difference, and responding with both courage and care. When you notice someone has neurodivergent traits, I recommend focusing on clarity, structure, and emotional support. If, however, you suspect narcissistic patterns, build firm boundaries, accountability measures, and sometimes, you are best to separate. You deserve a team where your leadership matters, where empathy is real, and where boundaries are respected. Misreading these behaviours can cost you your energy, your impact, and even the trust of your team.

For neurodivergent leaders, knowing the difference will help us in workplace interactions. We're often told we’re too intense or too emotional, and we're more likely to second-guess ourselves after difficult interactions. Knowing the difference between someone who lacks social nuance and someone who lacks empathy altogether can help us understand those we lead, and inform the choices we make, such as who to support and promote, and who not to.

If you’re leading a neurodiverse team—or managing someone whose behaviour leaves you second-guessing—let’s talk. Book a free discovery call and let’s help you lead with clarity, boundaries, and compassion for a healthier and more sustainable leadership path.

Kathryn Martens

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